I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
