so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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