Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
