I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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