u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
