the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize