Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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