I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
