My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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