well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Randomize
