I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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