i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize