Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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