An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
