Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
