Three words: puerto rican gang bang
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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