I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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