everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
we're so committed to being not committed
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My feet surprised me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize