I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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