Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
