Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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