Whod you bang
Got a toothbrush?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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