i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
she peed on how many people?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
These tits shall not be calmed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
