this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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