And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
