i'm signing you up for texting rehab
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
