rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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