I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
