I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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