I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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