im so drunk with asians
where?
always
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
