you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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