i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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