If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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