btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
