i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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