My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
