Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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