My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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