i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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