I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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