bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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