and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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