Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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