So drunk its hurt
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
