News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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