tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
