the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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