I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
