mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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