I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
