The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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