If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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