My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
