Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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