I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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