i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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