im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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