I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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