1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
