We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
