It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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