I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
