I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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