News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
