I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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