shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
