I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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