mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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