Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize